At times I really don't feel like I fit into the world around me. I feel largely socially isolated and my ways of functioning not really fully understood. People also seem largely confusing and what they say doesn't seem to connect with what they actually mean.
People don't realise that to get to where I am today took a lot of work. I was written off and told I wouldn't get far in life. Furthermore, I have been told that I need to try harder and that I either write myself off or put myself down. The truth of the matter is that I know my strengths and weaknesses. I also believe that I largely do not have Asperger Syndrome but more so Autism. For me making a social effort or entering social situations is very overwhelming and exhausting. Added to this I feel that relationships with the opposite sex are just beyond me. Sadly society doesn't understand how I think and function and over the years some so called friends have just dropped me not understanding how I function as a person. What I don't understand is that I don't see myself as a damaged or broken individual. I see myself as needing to change some of my ways of thinking so I can better adjust to anxiety and stress but I don't believe that I need to change to be accepted by people.
To begin with I try to function in a world that I know is going to be very difficult to change. Furthermore the structures and infrastructure around me is not always accommodating. Loud hand driers in amenities, cities that are physically hard to navigate and lights and sounds that can be overwhelming represent real challenges. I also feel that I am forced to spend money that often provide poor services such as Internet Providers and even taxation that does not go into disability, for even if it does it seems to go to people who really never really ask me what ways my quality of life could be improved.
I really wonder at times if I am changing the world. There are still many challenges and hurdles a long the way. Mental Health is still largely ignored and social isolation is an everyday reality. I see myself as largely an outsider observing rather than participating. I get frustrated with the way mental health is not better managed with people on the receiving end being doled out medication more so than therapy and discussion. Quite simply I believe that some medications do more harm than good and I can speak from personal experiences.
I also feel largely conformed into ways of thinking and function that are not me and I live in a society where men are supposed to be blokey and guys simply don't talk to one another. I even wonder if a National Service could change this to encourage leadership and a better means of bonding? Trying to be myself is a challenge because I cannot stand pretending to be someone I am not.
These are my thoughts for today despite the challenges I face. Maybe others can relate to what I am writing about in this blog?
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