It's not a case of lack of commitment

This morning I visited a friend at the Botanical Gardens west of Brisbane.  It was good to catch up with this friend as I have many but very few who are close.  I spoke of many things, and also my faith in God which at times ebbs and flows in my search for purpose and meaning.  As I spoke with this friend, he mentioned speed dating to me.  Now I will be honest in saying that I have not completely closed the door to dating and relationships but more so, I just find them difficult as the vast amounts of mental energy required can be simply draining.

Maintaining friendships is just as difficult and relationships are more a minefield.  As I walked around the gardens, primarily chosen for their quiet location, I wondered to myself who exactly am I and does God have a mission for me?  I simply loathe this so called blokey image where I am supposed to worship my own physique and appearance as well as my status.  I feel more comfortable in being myself and believe it or not, I do spend periods of time in solitude. 

I have many people who follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Skype and Linked In but very few really or rarely do I keep in contact with or meet in person.  I find Aspies can be easier to relate to and are more predictable but sadly some are overseas.  I can only rely on Skype to communicate with them and I feel a need to try and bring them out of themselves by harnessing and tapping into their potential.  We are more fringe dwellers and survivors and less so participants I find within the world around us. Browsing my Aspies' profiles one can often notice a certain degree of quirkiness and photographs of nature. 

Getting back to relationships however which is the initial thrust of this blog post, I find relationships just a minefield which are difficult to tread.  It just seems impossible in the first instance to know where to begin and secondly receive guidance and advice a long the way.  I also have to deal with homophobic fears from others and often prying questioning as to why I am so good looking, intelligent and able to function and yet still remain single?  For men on the Autism Spectrum I think that there are greater expectations on you and comments that one who is not in a relationship fears or maintains a lack of commitment.  This is not always the case.  I think many Aspies, including myself are trying to maintain and control our own levels of functioning and safeguarding our energy levels from reaching breaking point or severe meltdown. 

Understanding boundaries is also difficult because certain friends and people only want or have no contact or commitment.  I have wrongly been perceived as gay in my life for I have had to use my intelligence to form friendships which others find natural.  To obtain a relationship at any rate, success is going to manifest in the person having a so circle of friends or mates.  I find that with my own mind focusing more on over thinking that being in crowds with drinking activities has just caused me to observe more so than participate.  My special interests or discussions of history or current affairs is either met with disinterest, criticism or defensive reaction.  So my intellectual curiosity seems to know no match for the company I have often observed.  It has always been hypocritical to find men on a sporting field hugging each other and showing affection towards each other which is greatly feared in public places.

Perhaps God brings people into our lives and we must understand that within this dimension that within a physical sense, that we should learn to care for each other and not to harm?  I had a strange dream once where I was dreaming about the American flag and suddenly awakening to hear my name being whispered above my bed. Perhaps this may have even been the voice of God?  Who knows?  Often times of divine intervention cannot always be explained but hey I am only human trying my best to survive and be understood.  The more friends and interaction a person has maintains a healthy existence and the age old belief of men and women working together may be something not so bad after all? 

Putting skills to good use

August has finally arrived. It is hard to believe how quickly the year has gone as it is now a little over half way!  With this blog post comes some more optimism.  This being in the form of contact with some adults overseas. What I have in mind, is a combined effort to utilize their potential as well as my own in a possible documentary.  A couple of the adults are into film and know how to use cameras. So with these skills why not see what can be done?

In my contact with adults, I encourage them also to write blogs.  Blogs can be done for free on the internet be either doing a Google search for eblogger or wordpress.  A blog is a means to discuss things which are on your mind and to also talk about and share special interests.  For instance some adults have a good memory for facts, figures, numbers or even aircraft.  How can a person know what is in your inner mind unless you actually write about it?  I often find words flow more freely than the formation of conversation, which I find I tend to struggle more with. 

In a blog, I for instance can discuss my views and how I see the world which others cannot as they do not share the unique wiring within my mind.  I see so many positives with Autism but the struggle mainly is the communication aspect.  Making friends and connecting with others still has with it the day to day struggles.  In my communication with other adults, I find often an instant connection with them and like me they to seem more like they exist on the fringes of society. 

I often have adults ask me about the book I wrote, or about how I was able to find employment.  Trying to help everyone can be difficult as well as keep the adult group active. So I need to be mindful of how much energy I can commit. 

I am currently interested in trying to get some adults and myself to work together on a project. This would be a documentary where all participants would have an opportunity of utilising our skills.  What better way to show the world and showcase our talents than by having input which can be harnessed to assist and encourage younger Aspies to know that they too have a future. Of course what is proposed may not be perfect but the important thing is that people want to feel valued, especially Aspies so why not tap into our special interests and establish routines which may provide positive outcomes?   

It doesn't matter where the person lives as we can use Skype to connect and dedication to work together on a project that with some nurturing will provide a hand up for future generations to come.  I think as Aspies that we are unconventional and again I reinforce Aspie as an identity and not a label.  I am also working on or rather I say in a Facebook group to make it a support base for adults to connect with each other and share ideas.  Still a lot of work needed but I am not giving up that easily. 

Please stay tuned for more updates!