Throughout my whole life, communication has always been a challenge. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time talking about my obsessions with people. I could not frame sentences or reciprocate with other people. I had obsessions but communication was to me a word but one which had little meaning. I talked non stop about my special interests and read encyclopedias. However reading fiction was something that I could not grasp. Why should I read a book which was not factual? What was the sense of it if it didn't actually exist? Such questions were in the back of my mind.
Up until I was 21 years old, I had no interest in making friends. I simply existed but my body was foreign. Sounds were often hard to filter, light was often intense. I used to be pained by seeing bars in my mind like those you in a jail. Grills, security bars and the like made my eyes painful. I just don't know why? I could never wonder why I felt I was the only one that sometimes needed a pitch black room for my eyes to desensitize. I never had friends when I was younger either. I thought to myself what exactly does the word 'friend' actually mean? Why do other people interact with each other so freely and yet for me my communication seems somehow different. I can speak words but when they come out they are often statements more so than sentences. I always felt that I was talking at people more so than talking to them. It was like my communication was from another planet.
In my late teens, I often used to feel sad and back then depression was something that remained only known to those who knew family members or friends who existed in an asylum. It was until I turned 21 years of age that I made the transformation from hermit to a try hard. I was so clumsy in making friends that I sometimes approached people and asked them if they could be a friend. I was not aware of the conventions, the rules and the requirements. I still find that I can speak words but I just struggle in knowing how to exchange them with other people. I find my brain working hard to assimilate information and to exchange communication. It is like some kind of mental block. Often I was the last to learn or come close to learning a new task. Other people would pick things up easily but for me words, sentences and communication needed a different approach. I felt at 25 when I was diagnosed that I was the only person on planet earth who just felt like an alien. I had to re invent myself. I had to learn and constantly learn how to relate to people, not offend them and exchange communication. I have been yelled at, admonished and furthermore had horrible words said to me. I remember in 1978 when 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' and wonder why this rhyme was ever said. Names do hurt and stick and stones are painful. I had everything just about thrown at me in high school. Stones, books, chalk, and even had bees sting me but I found words far more hurtful.
As an adult, communication is somewhat easier but making friends and entering relationships is still confusing. Well navigating the world in a conventional sense is just taxing. Why do people behave and think the way they do? It is necessary to just keep learning how to communicate and for adults on the Autism Spectrum this is no exception. Even understanding some other Aspies is often confusing. Often intensity can be a problem and as I don't really know myself how much or how little I am supposed to communicate, I often overwhelm people with too much information in the form of texting. The main reason being because I can touch type. It is all about learning and with no one to really help I just have to do the best I can.
Up until I was 21 years old, I had no interest in making friends. I simply existed but my body was foreign. Sounds were often hard to filter, light was often intense. I used to be pained by seeing bars in my mind like those you in a jail. Grills, security bars and the like made my eyes painful. I just don't know why? I could never wonder why I felt I was the only one that sometimes needed a pitch black room for my eyes to desensitize. I never had friends when I was younger either. I thought to myself what exactly does the word 'friend' actually mean? Why do other people interact with each other so freely and yet for me my communication seems somehow different. I can speak words but when they come out they are often statements more so than sentences. I always felt that I was talking at people more so than talking to them. It was like my communication was from another planet.
In my late teens, I often used to feel sad and back then depression was something that remained only known to those who knew family members or friends who existed in an asylum. It was until I turned 21 years of age that I made the transformation from hermit to a try hard. I was so clumsy in making friends that I sometimes approached people and asked them if they could be a friend. I was not aware of the conventions, the rules and the requirements. I still find that I can speak words but I just struggle in knowing how to exchange them with other people. I find my brain working hard to assimilate information and to exchange communication. It is like some kind of mental block. Often I was the last to learn or come close to learning a new task. Other people would pick things up easily but for me words, sentences and communication needed a different approach. I felt at 25 when I was diagnosed that I was the only person on planet earth who just felt like an alien. I had to re invent myself. I had to learn and constantly learn how to relate to people, not offend them and exchange communication. I have been yelled at, admonished and furthermore had horrible words said to me. I remember in 1978 when 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' and wonder why this rhyme was ever said. Names do hurt and stick and stones are painful. I had everything just about thrown at me in high school. Stones, books, chalk, and even had bees sting me but I found words far more hurtful.
As an adult, communication is somewhat easier but making friends and entering relationships is still confusing. Well navigating the world in a conventional sense is just taxing. Why do people behave and think the way they do? It is necessary to just keep learning how to communicate and for adults on the Autism Spectrum this is no exception. Even understanding some other Aspies is often confusing. Often intensity can be a problem and as I don't really know myself how much or how little I am supposed to communicate, I often overwhelm people with too much information in the form of texting. The main reason being because I can touch type. It is all about learning and with no one to really help I just have to do the best I can.
