I currently feel a large sense of confusion in my life at the moment. Either I can try very hard and struggle to fit into the Non Autistic World or I can just try and live life as best I can with the cards I am dealt with. The problem I seriously find is that I am ahead of my time. People just cannot see why I am different and the challenges which I confront. Having just made close friends with another adult on the Autism Spectrum, I have heard of his stories which he has told me in his journal. I never really kept a journal myself as when I was younger I just coped as best I could. The thing which is ironic is that this friend's journal is almost identical to the way I lived and experienced difficulities in the past. I hope one day that he visits Australia but some Aspies just are agreeable but when it comes to making the effort it is simply all too much and being overwhelmed they cannot follow through with it.
I am fortunate in my life to be where I am but people do not see the loneliness, the struggles, the anxiety and confusion that I experience on a day to day basis. I just feel like I am a half caste between both the Autistic and Non Autistic Worlds. No matter what I say, think or feel I have to be extremely careful as to not offend people. I often do not understand how I do offend people and when I have I often confused as to exactly why. I have to admit that the friendship I have now formed with this other Aspie is something out of this world. I have never had a friend as close as this in my life ever. It is awesome but it should not compare to other friendships I have. Very few people actually understand me. I feel a constant sense of having to conform to other people's expectations and if I don't then I am simply just not good enough. At times I feel I am going insane because I constantly think outside the box and this simply is not acceptable.
The week for me is a constant challenge of making sense of the world around me, trying not to offend people and feeling a sense of trying not to walk on broken egg shells in order to not make noise. Also I spend vast amounts of time in social isolation and in all honesty I am not getting the help I require. I just look like everyone else and I need to change and conform but what if I am not happy doing this and what if by doing this it makes me feel more inferior and depressed? It simply just is not easy. It seems that withdrawing myself largely from society helps me to cope better. I experience less anxiety and more importantly people do not confuse me. I often even wonder if I am achieving anything in my life and what my purpose is? I constantly seem to fail at anything I attempt or when I try to talk to other people I just find myself on the outer with them and feel that what is really the point?
I have to be careful when I open my mouth that I do not offend anyone. I just cannot have my own thoughts without the fear of criticism encroaching on me. This is why I write a blog. I just find it a constant struggle to communicate verbally and non verbally with people. I am between two worlds and I find I am constantly finding ways to no longer be forced to conform into an existence which just makes me feel confused, stressed and anxious. Why can't people just see it? I just don't really know. I don't know where I am heading in life and I take each day as it comes. I try to minimise anxiety, stress, tension and worry. This is not always easy but I try and do my best.
I am fortunate in my life to be where I am but people do not see the loneliness, the struggles, the anxiety and confusion that I experience on a day to day basis. I just feel like I am a half caste between both the Autistic and Non Autistic Worlds. No matter what I say, think or feel I have to be extremely careful as to not offend people. I often do not understand how I do offend people and when I have I often confused as to exactly why. I have to admit that the friendship I have now formed with this other Aspie is something out of this world. I have never had a friend as close as this in my life ever. It is awesome but it should not compare to other friendships I have. Very few people actually understand me. I feel a constant sense of having to conform to other people's expectations and if I don't then I am simply just not good enough. At times I feel I am going insane because I constantly think outside the box and this simply is not acceptable.
The week for me is a constant challenge of making sense of the world around me, trying not to offend people and feeling a sense of trying not to walk on broken egg shells in order to not make noise. Also I spend vast amounts of time in social isolation and in all honesty I am not getting the help I require. I just look like everyone else and I need to change and conform but what if I am not happy doing this and what if by doing this it makes me feel more inferior and depressed? It simply just is not easy. It seems that withdrawing myself largely from society helps me to cope better. I experience less anxiety and more importantly people do not confuse me. I often even wonder if I am achieving anything in my life and what my purpose is? I constantly seem to fail at anything I attempt or when I try to talk to other people I just find myself on the outer with them and feel that what is really the point?
I have to be careful when I open my mouth that I do not offend anyone. I just cannot have my own thoughts without the fear of criticism encroaching on me. This is why I write a blog. I just find it a constant struggle to communicate verbally and non verbally with people. I am between two worlds and I find I am constantly finding ways to no longer be forced to conform into an existence which just makes me feel confused, stressed and anxious. Why can't people just see it? I just don't really know. I don't know where I am heading in life and I take each day as it comes. I try to minimise anxiety, stress, tension and worry. This is not always easy but I try and do my best.
