As I approach 40 I am starting to realise that I can only do so much on this earth. I feel that trying to make change is much harder as I become older. I find that having dreams, or goals are just more difficult and more importantly having hope just merely depends on luck. I find that mustering energy to find motivation is harder and I feel more comfortable with just coping as best I can. At times I feel like certain aspects in my life are difficult to change and having goals are often disappointing especially if these don't work out.
I sometimes feel mentally drained and I know that being comfortably well off is something that I can only dream about but never really visualise. The structures of society can often feel numbing at times and where I see other people's happiness I feel happy for them but know that for me I have my own strengths and weaknesses. I try not to compare myself to others as this only makes me feel depressed so solitude at times can be your only friend.
I get tired at times of being yelled at or more importantly feeling like I have to yell at people when they are unable to understand. I exist or feel at times like I am in a cage and my brain is unable to break through of the mindset that I have. The looping thoughts and sometimes feeling somewhat down.
I believe I am talented but not in a neuro typical sense. I will never be a genius nor an expert but more so just a mere survivor. I walk this earth as I have done for the past 38 years not really knowing who I am but if there is a God I just wish God would give me a sign or some kind of means of communication of what my exact purpose on earth actually is? I have always felt ever since a comment was made to me when I was a teenager that "I am one of the beautiful people" that I am at least making some kind of change on this earth? I know I will never be successful in a neuro typical sense nor do I want to be but in my own ways I am a survivor and as Dr Tony Attwood says one of life's heros. I know that I will never be fully understood and I know that everyone is on earth for some kind of purpose. Perhaps mine is to be a strong Autism Advocate.
I often watch youtube videos of Martin Luther King. I like the way he spoke and stood up for what he believed in. I wish I could have met him, shook his hand and told him that I admired him as a person. Perhaps like him there are many before and after him with the same message and word to enlighten and change the world. I hope the world does change for Autistic people and I hope that my efforts have moved the wheel forward. I know some people don't believe in God but if there is not a God then what is the purpose to life? Why is it so complex? Why are some people cruel and why are there wars? I guess it is the human condition? As I finish this post I leave you with a video of Martin Luther King in which he stood up for rights. I hope everyone has a good week. Martin King had a tough job standing up for what he believed and I have even a tougher job in that I stand up for people with Autism right around the world. We are a silent majority and some of us may be unable to speak and people cannot see how Autism affects us. What I can say though is we want inclusion and acceptance also. UnU
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