Having expectations is sole destroying

I have come to the realisation that having expectations and goals is just soul destroying and not worth the effort. I really don't know what my purpose is in life and I just feel like I am in "No Man's Land". I just don't feel I am good at anything apart from traveling the world and trying my best to raise awareness of the Autism Spectrum.

I have really tried my hardest to push the book which I have self published and I feel that lacking the means of being able to network with people and utilise social skills which I do not have is just beyond me. I am investing my own money, energy and time into raising awareness and I don't want fame nor glory. I could not live with myself existing in a selfish existence at any rate.

Speaking events seem a rarity in this country and all I can do is to just keep writing. I feel that nobody really understands me and the visual leprosy still remains until barriers of ignorance can be broken down. At times I feel alone and isolated from others and simply opening my mouth at times is just so energy consuming to speak to other people. No matter how hard I try and I find difficulty in carrying a conversation or become confused by people who just don't seem to make any sense! Non Autistic people just seem to banter words around like the winds of change.

I draw comfort in that I have more friends on the Autism Spectrum but things are grinding painfully slow. I don't always know the procedures to get on with people, or to canvass the right channels to make progress. In self publishing my book it just seems that I hit a brick wall when it comes to the mass media or the political landscape. There seems to be more news if a person commits a crime than there is for someone who tries their hardest to enlighten and educate more people!

As I am approaching 40 I am beginning to see that my life is already determined or predestined. Perhaps in generations to come people will respond more to what I write about and the investment of my energy into raising awareness. Personally the Leprosy Syndrome occurs with my own peer group and that slightly older. They just cannot see or fail to comprehend. I hope that things will change for the better!

I find emotions hard to handle as I feel I am often void of emotions. What a non Autistic person defines as happiness to me just seems artificial. I just do my best to cope despite the circumstances surrounding me. Perhaps I expect more to happen too soon but all I can do is hope. It is too late to turn back now and the only way is forward. In the words of Dr Martin Luther King "I have a Dream".