The one thing I hate about being Aspie is when I suffer heightened levels of anxiety. This is really annoying as it affects my functioning. I don't know why but some days I get into moods where I find it really hard to motivate myself. Just day to day motivation is virtually impossible. I find usually after excessive over stimulation, that my mind tries to shutdown on me. It is like I am in meltdown and I have feelings of self doubt and see myself as a failure.
Over the past month, I have really been pushing myself and my parents beyond belief to get this book finished. I wonder will the book sell? Will it help people? Will people understand me better? I often also think why was my childhood so bad and why did I endure so much bullying just for being different? I couldn't help the way I was and at times I largely did not know what I was doing. I did not always understand when I was annoying people. I felt my brain was hijacked by some other thought process beyond my control. Having Asperger Syndrome can be especially difficult at times. People don't always see and can help. I live in a city which does not understand Asperger Syndrome in general. I can walk or drive my car to some other destination or feel totally overwhelmed and unable to function. I just wonder why I am like I am and why my brain is the way it is. I think of other Asperger adults, I know I am not alone. They too deal with Asperger Syndrome in their own way and yet they sometimes are often hard to contact when you need to talk to them.
I think now I have finished the book. It is time to relax before I begin to write another book. I just feel sometimes that my brain is inside out and I feel like finding out what is not working properly and wishing I could correct it.
No comments:
Post a Comment