Being born with Autism

Throughout my life, I have always questioned, felt different and alienated from the world around me. When I was younger and prior to diagnosis, I never could connect with anyone and still have difficulty with this today. My earlier years were spent in large periods of social isolation and talking to myself. I remember as far back when living in Albany Creek and staring out upon a distance road with a green fence, of why I talked to myself and thinking that I needed to jettison the habit. As I grew up with older siblings, and perhaps them being on the spectrum to a minor extent, I could never really connect with them. Not because I didn't want to but rather because I didn't know how too. I think my own instance and occurrence of Autism came from my Paternal Grandfather and perhaps from my Maternal Grandfather. Both had their peculiar habits, especially with my Paternal Grandfather adhering to exact appointments times to when my immediate family could visit being a Sunday at 2.30pm exactly and a dislike or rather an intolerance of children and the sound they made. Added to this a dislike of furniture being moved around and some other factors. My Maternal Grandfather was a collector of clocks, and liked his routine. He was good at Maths and had a strict adherence to bookkeeping and balancing figures so I guess this could be on some form of the spectrum. I think my own family has some traits of persons on the Autism Spectrum but I think I am the most affected. I find it hard to connect with people and throughout my life I have adopted my own coping strategy. People find me too intense at times and furthermore I struggled a lot with trying to make friends when I was younger. I just didn't know what was exactly wrong with me. Why was I disorientated by sound? Why did I talk to myself? Why did I wear the same clothes and people thinking I was poor when I had a fabric sensitivity? Why did I have problems with reading and having poor co-ordination in playing sports and in motor clumsiness? Nothing was known about Autism back then and as an adult it has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I am different and see things differently to other people. When I listen to Temple Grandin, I can relate to a lot of what she says but when I think about adults on the Autism Spectrum, I find there are very few men who have come forward. A lot of adults whom I know whom are male seem perhaps not able or willing to come forward and disclose that they have Autism. It is hard being male with it but you just have to accept how it affects you. I have grown tired of public perception and trying to fit into all these unrealistic codes and expectations. I know that I have to better myself but if I am forced to try and be someone I am not, I find it all too overwhelming. Currently the advocacy I am undertaking is at it strongest point. I tried to think that I could go on and not let Autism affect me but I found I got nowhere. I either offended people by saying something I was unaware of or people would alienate themselves from me. I knew that this could not continue and that enough was enough. It was time to come forward, enlighten people and accept how Autism affects me. When I was younger, I had very poor sleeping habits. I would listen to a radio all night, more so listening to overnight talk shows on current affairs etc. I thought sleeping poorly was normal and I can remember having dreams of seeing objects move forward while I was sleeping and being unable to touch them. Just imagine you see all of the shapes you may remember made out of wood. These including triangles, rectangles, squares, circles, cones, spheres and cubes. I would see these in front of me but when I tried to touch them they were too distant to actually touch. I can also remember seeing red lines in my dreams or in my nocturnal thought process where they would make the shape of naughts and crosses. I was also afraid of the dark for a long period and if I heard someone discuss a ghost story or some story about "Astral Travel" where a person would supposedly leave their body and see themselves or travel elsewhere, that this would affect me. When I had to undertake some goal that I had, I would look ahead and see a forward projection. For instance and this is what I found in my Paternal Grandfather to be a classic sign of Autism. Although my Grandfather was English and came from Bristol, I remember his garden in Brisbane. His lawn was always well cut and trimmed. Never a blade of grass out of shape nor a weed in the lawn and more importantly all the plants in his garden were well cared for and placed in some kind of order. He spoke with a slow English Accent, walked like a robot, and didn't seem to have or portray feelings. Well this was my perception at the time at any rate. If Autism is hereditary, then I wonder how far back it goes and why I picked up the most Autism than others around me? I guess one day more will be known?