The circuitry is different but the framework appears the same

This year I turn 42 years of age.  By every account I just seem like any other regular middle aged guy.  I keep myself fit, well at least I try to and furthermore I live in a world which just seems like a constant maze, often of vast confusion.  This morning I went out again for my third outing.  I went into the city earlier on the CityCat but what really frustrated me was that no matter where I tried to go there were people around, and the seating was very poor.  I just wanted a seat with a backing on it so I could sit comfortably and talk to myself.  I tried to counsel and prepare for myself for what lay ahead.  What if I didn't feel comfortable holding hands or what to expect next?  I just find that it is really tough work as a man for I feel men are expected to do everything and make the moves and be the innovators.  In all honesty I find communication much easier via Skype compared to going out for the face to face interaction seems just so much harder.  Just with everyone I find this and I just find my communication is different and largely misunderstood.  I have talked to myself since I was 2 year old so that is almost now a 40 year record.  Even the Aspie Group seems to be going well without me so even with them, I find communication much harder. At times I just wish I could find a special interest which I could totally absorb myself in and just say sod the rest of the world as communication is just so hard to implement and figure out. 


I left today wondering where my life is going.  I seem to control my routines very well but anything that involves people is just a different kettle of fish.  I can be polite and all that but connecting with someone unlike connecting to myself, my real close and best friend is unique.  It took me years to evolve from self loathing to self acceptance.  I can be in my own company and just find that what I listen to and think can be tolerated by me and me only.  I can look at others and try not to compare myself and just think that I am special because I know that I am.  I just find it is hard for other people to really see below my tough exterior which incidentally I had to reinforce over the years because shyness in men, well acute shyness is misinterpreted. 


At times I just wish I could be a total hermit escaping society's expectations and pressures.  Not wanting to be the guy with the good biceps and abs but more so the person who can be just accepted for the sake of being individual.  In all honesty I find dating just so taxing.  Just the amount of mental energy required to communicate with a person and to be understood can be just so mentally exhausting.  Furthermore, having to conform to expectations is just even more overwhelming.  Why is it just so difficult to escape into the country where I don't have to try and pretend to be someone I am not?  I can't stand comparing myself to others or having to conform to expectations.  In all honesty if this is what is required in being a male, I want nothing to do with it.  I just prefer simplicity and a life with no pressures but finding the words to properly describe just how I feel may be beyond the English language.


I guess also the weather in Brisbane annoys me.  It never changes nor is there seasonal variation.  I like a touch of cold weather but wanting or expecting it in Brisbane is like wanting penguins to sip soda's on a hot beach.  It just often feels like a trap but perhaps I trap myself with my own routines? 


I now will retire into my solitude which I know wont cause me so much distress for the moment and just forget about humanity for the time being.  Going for a walk and talking to myself is but one way to deal with my own thoughts which go over and over in my mind.  Who knows one day I may get a round of applause for what I have had to endure and overcome in life but for now it is just battling the often difficult terrain in order to find a pathway through.

Weathering the test of time