Yesterday I did not feel well and spent half the day in bed feeling the effects of a cold and burn out. I am feeling somewhat better today but weak at times. I often feel like some kind of deviant as people always look at me as who I am rather than how I function and this can often be overwhelming to bare at times. I am soon to start house sitting nearby to where I can look after two cats in a big house. The lady who owns it is in her late 70's and I have sat for her last time and am happy to do so again. She goes overseas on her own and I house sit for her while she is away. As I still live with my parents and they with me, we can get on each other's nerves at times. I also detest the way that greedy landlords rent out dwellings which they do not give a crap about charging high rent on low income earners. This would be the reality for me if I did not have the support of my parents. Changes are also happening within the UQ Library as the university librarian has just announced his resignation. I fear everything is going to go back to where it was before. It is no joy working on a ship without a captain. Morale is so low also within the library and people are afraid of losing their jobs. I have also heard recently that with the automation of library shelving that shelving positions will be done away with. It is hard to feel security at times. It is also hard when everything again is changing within the work environment and I really don't know what is going on? I know I am in a menial position but the atmosphere around me does affect my well being within the job. I also was approached by a staff member who said to me 'why don't you angry?". I really do not know what this person meant but times are precarious. At times just keeping a job is a big undertaking. What will happen in the future? How will this carbon tax affect me? Why is it so hard making ends meet and what is the purpose of life? It all becomes so confusing at times. I really feel alone at the moment and people just seem unhappy, tense and angry.
I am realsing that changing the world is not possible so I just have to be content with how things are for the moment. Disappointments are not always my fault but more so in areas I cannot always control. At the moment I am just in survival mode and coping as best I can. Worrying about or being concerned about others is also just draining so I just focus on what I can do and undertake within my own ability. People seem to see me as some kind of deviant that intentionally goes out to make some kind of trouble whereas they do not see just how hard it is to be honest to live the life of a person on the Autism Spectrum. The world is such an uncertain place but this is beyond my control.
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