Seeing the world through the Aspie Lense

Sometimes people say to me that it must be hard for me to have Asperger Syndrome or I am so sad to hear that. I wonder to myself why they actually say this because I see the world through what I call an Aspie Lense. My life is not conventional and more importantly time cannot be wasted on feeling sorry for myself or saying how things are tough. I do have employment and I have traveled overseas. What I find difficult at times is that I have accepted my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis and it appears that others seem to not. People try at times to make me see things the same way which they do and I feel frustrated by this because I find it difficult. More importantly I find showing emotions to be extremely difficult and I cannot help the fact that I may appear cold or allusive. I try my best to understand people as best I can which is all I can really do.

This afternoon I attend the Toastmasters Convention and spoke to 3 people there but mostly sat in the room on my own waiting for the speeches to begin. I only stayed until afternoon tea as I had to return to the responsibilities of my house sit but when I sat in the room surrounded by other people who were talking in a language and communicating in a way I did not understand, I found myself content to just sit there and control my anxiety levels. I find anxiety tends to high jack me in certain ways, either I feel like my head is rushing, or I need to go to the bathroom several times and I am worried about being lost when not in my comfort zone.

When I am surrounded by a group of people I hear the sounds of the conversation mumbling that surrounds me and I see a sea of faces when I look at them but I also have facial blindness in that I wonder why people behave the way they do. I know this sounds psychoanalytical but when I am under pressure my mind analyzes over and over again. I now have some strategies to reduce the over thinking but still it happens but becoming less over time.

I am doing my own editing on my book at the moment and I want to be more relaxed in front of people when I speak to them. I find myself serious and just wanting to say what I need to with the least amount of words. I am not really fearful of public speaking but more so being hijacked by anxiety. Will I shutdown in front of people, am I getting my point across are some of the thoughts I ponder and obsess over. The Aspie Lense exists and it is also worn and can be used when people put on different acts in their lives. They have their work act, their driving car act, the going out to dinner act and the list goes on. I see all people the same and cannot understand why some people think they are better than others also.