Sunday, March 28, 2010
Emotional Management
I often find managing emotions very difficult. I feel that finding a romantic relationship again will not happen in this life time and my only belief is to keep a door open. I often think marriage is something that somehow is supposed in the neuro typical sense complete a person's achievement and if you are not married nor never have been that you are committing some kind of social deviance. Whenever I manage to get out and muster the energy to do so, I see younger couples together and I dread going to certain places where I stand out and people gawk at you for being on your own. I also cannot understand why a man celebrates the end of his Bachelorhood as if it is some spectacle for all of his friends and relatives to observe. I guess I am just different and not everybody likes me and frankly I don't really care.
I find emotional management a big challenge as I never really know at times what I am supposed to feel or think. If someone or a group of people are sad about something, I sometimes wonder, what emotions am I supposed to exhibit? I feel at times, well almost often that I am managing emotions all of the time. I see words rather than their symbolic means and I think I have been bruised a lot emotionally in my life People sometimes make judgments or ascertains about me and I sometimes have to defend myself which I find difficult. Not everyone gets married and those that never will should in my opinion not be judged or criticised for not doing so. Some people succeed in some ways and not in others. Just because a person is not married over 35 does not give people the right to be inquisitive or to judge. How would you like it if someone kept asking you questions that were personal and none of their business?
In my own opinion, I think Aspies are always battling with emotions and because we have been hurt a lot, we often have to deal with emotions in our own way. I think Aspie men and women have similar brains and I think Aspie men have locked away a great deal of hurt and emotions within their lives. Adults with AS tend to exist on the outer and our success is measured in our own way and not in a regular sense. We just are wired differently and find the normal socialisation process difficult to understand and to fathom. I can relate to a lot of the difficulties that a lot of other Aspies have in emotional management and feel more awareness needs to happen in order to understand it better within adults.
As an Aspie I find retreat into my own world is a means of coping with the world around me. I am not being judged by people all of the time and furthermore, I don't need to live up to some social expectation. I also sense that my life is often like walking a tight rope. I wish people would think more deeply than they do and for some people to not close their minds. Too often people close their minds before they actually begin to understand something. I don't think materialism makes a person happy but it satisfies their life in a comfort sense. Often you can be stereotyped into not having emotions but if this is the case then why are some people with Asperger Syndrome very kind, caring and generous people? Some Aspies have big hearts and labeling a person with AS as not having emotions or not displaying them is often complete nonsense. Why are some Aspies admitted to hospital for burn out, depression or severe meltdown? Surely this in itself is a form of emotional response to a difficult situation. I welcome the work of Australian of the Year, Professor Patrick McGorry. I agree with him that mental illness and disabilities need to be addressed and better understood. Depression is an illness to take seriously rather than brushing it off and pretending it doesn't exist or distancing someone with the illness. Sadly some Psychiatrists who are not Asperger Syndrome or mental illness aware tend to medicate these problems rather than look for solutions. Professor McGorry's advertisements are long over due and I think it is good that someone in now getting up to talk about this serious and very important problem. I have been in touch with Professor McGorry like I have Professor Tony Attwood to help as best I can to support and emphasise with their awareness campaigns. Professor Tony Attwood does a heck of a lot of awareness and so to Professor McGorry in assisting those of us who need help and understanding from the wider community. We all have an important role to play in breaking down the barriers of ignorance.
Asperger Syndrome adult account http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAfWfsop1e0
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Garry, Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you are saying a number of things at once. I hear you say that an Aspie's emotional sensitivity is both a boon and blessing. At once, an aspie can be both caring and helpful to others on a certain level and then uncomfortable with relationship skills on another. Since this is the subject of a well thought-out blog article, it would appear that these two sides are very important to the individual with Asperger Syndrome. Are kindness and care skills learned behaviors? If they are given great importance by parents and nurturing caregivers as a necessary component of the cognitive schematic at an early age, are those qualities not then possibly "rule-based" as in "be kind to others", "help your fellow man", etc. and then refined as once grows older? Should those qualities be any less important because of how they are learned and incorporated into the psyche of the individual with Aspergers? So should not relationship building skills be taught at an earlier age? This is more difficult because the rules of engagement change with each relationship past norms and etiquette. Is the value of relationship building say, with the added dynamic in adulthood of a sexual/intimacy component, a valued or sought-after end for the individual with Aspergers? If it is then I say, it should be taught and practiced by families in very concrete, yet senory ways including in the lesson developing the individual's awareness of their bodies, their boudaries and absolutes and then carving a list of desires and "theory of mind" strategies to see where they overlap with traditional relationship ideas and where they must differ for the comfort and, indeed, the successful functioning of the individual in question. If one finds out from this "graphic organizer" of emotional and sensory needs and boundaries that there is room to work with and with another person and there are strategies to engage with others that retain ethical concerns and honesty, then should you not have that partnership in life...none are without stresses or difficulties. But if one cannot have a close relationship with either an unaffected individual or even another person with AS, then what is their coping strategy? They must create their terms for their lives that serve them best and not feel guilty or ashamed. Guilt and shame can stem from many things that are not related to autism or Aspergers. Working through that challenge then can help the person move on and contribute in other ways other than in intimacy with others. But in the end, do we sell ourselves short by using our current limitations to keep us socially and sexually at bay in our lives? This last question would appear to need indivdiualized answers.
ReplyDeleteHi there
ReplyDeleteI think that early diagnosis is important and I am not sure if a person with Asperger Syndrome can bemolded into the requirements of a conventional relationship. I think that diagnosis very young allows for assistance and for help a long the way than later diagnosis. I know of some adults who have been diagnosed young or in their teens and they too struggle. There is no easy answer but early intervention and support does seem to help a great deal.
Understanding emotions is not easy for a person with Asperger Syndrome but perhaps guidance is one way to assist? I hope I have been able to answer your question?
I think you did explain some of it. Thank you. Maybe preparing for a not-so-conventional relationship would make more sense and be more practical. I know the name of this book is not very inviting but it describes some very unique relationships between various couples on the autism apectrum. The author himself as autism and looks up classmates from former years at a school for autism and he finds very real and sensitive people. They deal with their challenges in many different ways;some more successfully than others. A few are in loving relationships and all extremely unique.
ReplyDeleteP.S. When did you visit Washington D.C. ? I grew up in a suburb of Maryland on the border of DC and my Grandmother lived and worked in DC. I loved the metro subway and I worked not far from the Mall where all the monuments are housed. - Gale
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. The book sounds interesting so please suggest it and I will look into it some more.
ReplyDeleteI went to Washington DC in October 2008 and really enjoyed it. Sounds like you like Washington too. I am also on Facebook should you wish to add me. Just look up Brisbane Asperger Syndrome Adults and you will find me as the Administrator there